Eating Disorder Awareness Week: The Truth Of It All

I considered writing a post about eating disorders to mark ED awareness week, despite this being a kitchen garden blog, simply because it has been exactly one year since I went to hospital myself.

I considered writing about how hard any eating disorder is, how different, how similar, how corrupting, how painful. I was going to list the physical problems, like the pain of sitting down on the toilet with not bottom for protection, and the mental problems, like the fear of guilt that makes you feel like you are going to explode. I had a long, long, long list written out, but then I realised: you don’t need me to tell you how bad any illness is. I’m not here to frighten anyone, I’m here to offer some light.

What you need to know is that

When you don’t have an eating disorder…

  • you feel happy.
  • you can breath again.
  • you feel warm.
  • you can eat proper meals.
  • you can sit down and watch a movie or read a book.
  • you can smile.
  • you can straighten up again.
  • you can hold a conversation with another human being.
  • you can exercise because you can, not because you have to or ‘want’ to, but because your body is well enough so you can, for fun!
  • is enjoying the little things in life you were ignoring.
  • is buying clothes from the adult section.
  • is being a truthful person no longer lying.
  • is being a good friend, daughter/son, sibling, partner.
  • is being able to join in with Christmas or Easter or birthdays.
  • is feeling alive.
  • is being able to say ‘sod you ED, I beat you!’

 

Many professionals have likened an eating disorder to someone with a broken arm or leg, that you have to give it time to heal. I’ve never quite seen that connection. TO me, the best way to describe an eating disorder is to compare it to an addiction – drugs, alcohol, even smoking. It is accepted that it is really hard to break these addictions, but there is an awful lot of secrecy and words not said. Broken body parts are acceptable to talk about, to be on display. Eating disorders are there to be hidden, to be shameful, embarrassing, a secret. No one goes round advocating that they have one, everyone else goes around staring and whispering, being frightened of this unknown, well, thing. But back to likening ED to addictions: Most of the time it involves intervention, extreme therapy and abstaining from the substance forever. Well, an eating disorder is like these addictions, but the thing we are addicted to is not an external object, but inside us. We become addicted to the feelings we get when we restrict/overeat/purge/exercise and it becomes our safety net. As the world becomes more terrifying, that bond gets stronger. It is so hard to change someone’s mind. For some reason, the pain you get from an eating disorder seems better than the pain you feel when you go against it, then you are stuck in a cycle and it is so hard to break.

Life is hard. I’m sitting here, a year on, and my meal plan has been slightly increased again – not because I’ve lost weight, but because I’m still a couple of kg under what would be the healthiest weight for me to maintain to be safe from anything that might cause me to lose weight in the future. Even now, I have to keep a strict eye on myself at all times.

I still have bad days. Some VERY bad days where everything hurts so much. I sometimes would not get up if it was not to feed my cat and the idea that I could garden or practice yoga, the three things in the world that make me feel at ease and give my life meaning at this point in time.

I am recovered, but I still have an eating disorder – my way of looking at the world is different to everybody else’s. I can’t afford to skip a meal otherwise it means I’m ‘ill’ again. I can’t eat at random times, I have a strict timetable to keep to. I can’t join in with random exercises otherwise hyper-gymnasia takes hold. My whole day is about staying in control and not losing my hold of the steering wheel – because once we are off course, it is hard to get back. Life feels very hard sometimes. If anyone wants to know how an addictive eating disorder feels, listen to Sara Bareilles ‘Gravity’ on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_U6iSAn_fY

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But then I have those beautiful moments. Those moments when I see my broad beans poking up their heads from the soil. When the first blossoms flower on the trees. When I feel the sun on my face. When I’ve cooked a dish I’m proud of. When my dog bounds up to me in the snow. When my sister or brother crack a joke that makes me laugh until my sides hurt.

Eating disorders are like all addictions – they take a very strong hold of you, but they don’t really own you. Despite how you feel, you can always come back. There is always something to come back to.

Everyone: if you know someone who is struggling from an eating disorder, give them a hug and tell them that they are not alone despite what they think, and that you love them. Sometimes that’s all anyone needs to hear to chase a daemon away. Stay safe, stay strong, stay happy.

I’m writing another book, this one is for everyone, to teach us all how to find sunshine in our lives.

If you need some help from an eating disorder, here is my self-published book, available on Amazon: My new book: A Growing Mind: the small book of gardening for eating disorders

Recipe: Courgette and Cheese on Toast

It is a universal fact that cheese and courgette go well together. Well, it is a universal fact concerning this blog.

I had the crazy but actually good idea of jazzing up the ordinary cheese on toast – what about adding courgette too?

I was a little bit hesitant, seeing as I was going to be eating it, but it was actually good. I had no need to fear, and I survived it!

It made a change to just simple cheese and bread and is another way of using up a courgette if you are having a glut.

Enjoy!

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Courgette and Cheese on Toast

(Serves 2)

-2 slices of bread of choice -200g cheddar cheese (or enough for 2 people) -1 medium sized courgette

  1. Preheat the grill to a high temperature. Place the two slices of bread underneath it and toast 1 side.
  2. Slice or grate the cheese. Cut the courgette lengthways in half. Cut each strip in half again and cut the lengths into cubes, 1/2 a courgette per person.
  3. On the side of the bread that has not been toasted, spread the cheese over the surface. Spread the cubes of courgette over the top of the cheese.
  4. Place the bread back under the grill and toast until the cheese is bubbling and melted. Serve with a side salad.

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Beans Means Heinz

So I didn’t get a lot planted this year because I was away from home for a couple of months, but we did get the potatoes in and the beans are being harvested now – last  year’s beans!

We left our bean roots in the ground rather than dig them up by accident three years ago. We grew other things in the same trench over the winter so it was heavily guarded with double portions of horticultural fleece that protected it from the frost. We were in awe when the next spring, our old beans grew back. Since then, we have tried to protect all of our bean roots that we leave in the ground. This year we have a few that have re-grown for their third harvest, we have more that our on their second, and my mum managed to sow a few extra this year in another trench while I  was absent.

I have been enjoying delicious beans boiled for dinner almost daily for a week now. I had to of course have them as part of my favourite dinner of all time – Baked Potato, Cheddar Cheese, Baked Beans and Runner Beans. 

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Preheat your oven to 200C. Cut out slug damage (if homegrown potatoes) or prick holes in the potato, to let the steam escape while cooking. Bake the potato in the oven for an hour, I like to leave mine in for another half an hour so that the skin is really crispy.

Boil a pan of water and add the sliced runner beans, turning the hob down to a low flame. Remove from the heat after about 8 minutes, drain.

Heat the baked beans in a pan over a medium flame. Remove from the heat once hot.

Grate enough cheddar cheese to serve.

Remove your potato from the oven, cut in half and mash a generous amount of butter into each part. Add the runner beans and the baked beans to the side and sprinkle cheddar cheese over the top of the potato and butter.

Enjoy!

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The Green Prescription

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/wellbeing/health-advice/do-you-need-a-green-prescription/

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I hope the link above still works, it is rather old in the news of the world timeline now. I read it in my grandma’s paper she hands onto us for the chicken houses and I was very pleased to see that someone else had discovered the benefits of being 1) outdoors when you are unhappy/stressed/depressed/insomniac/anything horrid, and 2) how gardening can strangely benefit your mental health when you are feeling blue.

As someone who was introduced to gardening in a rather bleak part of her life, I really believe in this cure. Any problems I have, any doubts are (unfortunately not completely cured, it is still not the Disney magic we all need) washed away or quelled. I do not know what it is but gardening and being outside really can lift the spirits and make someone feel top of the world.

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I have read before about how the soil contains bacterium that boosts serotonin levels, the hormone responsible for regulating our mood. Humans have been aware of the healing values of gardening for a long time. Court physicians in ancient Egypt prescribed garden walks for the mentally unwell. Roman satirist Juvenal exhorted us to ‘live as a lover of the hoe and master of the vegetable patch’. Gardening was used as therapy for war veterans with post-traumatic stress disorder. As it is Mental Health Awareness Week, it is probably a good time to post this on my documenting/gardening blog. It might help someone.

So if you are very feeling low, try stepping outside and taking in a deep breath of fresh air. It really can clear your lungs and head. If you are ever feeling angry or stressed or like hitting someone or shouting and screaming, go and pick up a spade or fork and (do not attack someone) start digging in the dirt. If you are crying, weed a flower bed. If you don’t feel like eating, grow and tend your own nourishment and watch in fascination as it becomes a huge being from a tiny seed, all for you. If you can’t sleep, take a long walk or bike ride somewhere green or dig until your legs can’t hold you up anymore.

This is the green prescription and a way of life that we all probably need.

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Recipe: Apple and Blackberry Crumble

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I always see blackberries as an autumnal fruit to forage and pick from the many brambles in the garden so it always surprises me when they are ready in July or August. We have been picking blackberries to eat raw for some time but I did get round to making an early apple and blackberry crumble from some early windfalls from our neighbours – if you cook them well enough, they taste fine.

Get picking!

Apple and Blackberry Crumble

(Serves 6)

– About 1kg cooking apples – About 200g-300g blackberries – Caster/ granulated sugar, to sprinkle over the fruit

For the crumble topping: – 170g plain flour – 110g salted butter – 55g caster/ granulated sugar

  1. Preheat the oven 150C.
  2. Peel and core the apples before cutting them into slices. Place them in an oven-proof dish. Add the blackberries and mix in so that the layers are combined.
  3. Sprinkle a generous amount of caster or granulated sugar over the top and mix into the layers. You want to have a nice thick layer of fruit as it is going to decrease in size during the cooking process.
  4. Make the crumble topping: put the flour into a bowl followed by the sugar and salted butter. Rub together using your fingertips until the mixture resembles large bread crumbs (add more butter if too dry and more flour if too sticky). Sprinkle the crumble topping over the top of the sugar coated fruit inside the dish.
  5. Bake in the oven for about an hour or until hot and golden brown on top and the fruit is cooked. Once done, you can turn off the oven and leave the crumble inside to stay warm until you are ready to eat it. Serve hot with custard.

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