NEW SELF-HELP BOOK: Finding Rays of Sunshine

Newest (albeit lowest quality, most cheesy and random) self-help book is now available…

Have you ever felt down-in-the-dumps, stuck-in-a-rut, blue? We all have. Sometimes it is hard to shake it off. We are all looking for happiness but it is good to have a starting point. That is what this self-help book is. Listing ideas that could help you to feel light and enthusiastic about life, I am here to offer a helping hand to guide you behind those dark clouds while we look for rays of sunshine.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Finding-Rays-Sunshine-Hope-better/dp/1720356521/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1529131727&sr=8-5&keywords=isobel+murphy

 

Eating Disorder Awareness Week: The Truth Of It All

I considered writing a post about eating disorders to mark ED awareness week, despite this being a kitchen garden blog, simply because it has been exactly one year since I went to hospital myself.

I considered writing about how hard any eating disorder is, how different, how similar, how corrupting, how painful. I was going to list the physical problems, like the pain of sitting down on the toilet with not bottom for protection, and the mental problems, like the fear of guilt that makes you feel like you are going to explode. I had a long, long, long list written out, but then I realised: you don’t need me to tell you how bad any illness is. I’m not here to frighten anyone, I’m here to offer some light.

What you need to know is that

When you don’t have an eating disorder…

  • you feel happy.
  • you can breath again.
  • you feel warm.
  • you can eat proper meals.
  • you can sit down and watch a movie or read a book.
  • you can smile.
  • you can straighten up again.
  • you can hold a conversation with another human being.
  • you can exercise because you can, not because you have to or ‘want’ to, but because your body is well enough so you can, for fun!
  • is enjoying the little things in life you were ignoring.
  • is buying clothes from the adult section.
  • is being a truthful person no longer lying.
  • is being a good friend, daughter/son, sibling, partner.
  • is being able to join in with Christmas or Easter or birthdays.
  • is feeling alive.
  • is being able to say ‘sod you ED, I beat you!’

 

Many professionals have likened an eating disorder to someone with a broken arm or leg, that you have to give it time to heal. I’ve never quite seen that connection. TO me, the best way to describe an eating disorder is to compare it to an addiction – drugs, alcohol, even smoking. It is accepted that it is really hard to break these addictions, but there is an awful lot of secrecy and words not said. Broken body parts are acceptable to talk about, to be on display. Eating disorders are there to be hidden, to be shameful, embarrassing, a secret. No one goes round advocating that they have one, everyone else goes around staring and whispering, being frightened of this unknown, well, thing. But back to likening ED to addictions: Most of the time it involves intervention, extreme therapy and abstaining from the substance forever. Well, an eating disorder is like these addictions, but the thing we are addicted to is not an external object, but inside us. We become addicted to the feelings we get when we restrict/overeat/purge/exercise and it becomes our safety net. As the world becomes more terrifying, that bond gets stronger. It is so hard to change someone’s mind. For some reason, the pain you get from an eating disorder seems better than the pain you feel when you go against it, then you are stuck in a cycle and it is so hard to break.

Life is hard. I’m sitting here, a year on, and my meal plan has been slightly increased again – not because I’ve lost weight, but because I’m still a couple of kg under what would be the healthiest weight for me to maintain to be safe from anything that might cause me to lose weight in the future. Even now, I have to keep a strict eye on myself at all times.

I still have bad days. Some VERY bad days where everything hurts so much. I sometimes would not get up if it was not to feed my cat and the idea that I could garden or practice yoga, the three things in the world that make me feel at ease and give my life meaning at this point in time.

I am recovered, but I still have an eating disorder – my way of looking at the world is different to everybody else’s. I can’t afford to skip a meal otherwise it means I’m ‘ill’ again. I can’t eat at random times, I have a strict timetable to keep to. I can’t join in with random exercises otherwise hyper-gymnasia takes hold. My whole day is about staying in control and not losing my hold of the steering wheel – because once we are off course, it is hard to get back. Life feels very hard sometimes. If anyone wants to know how an addictive eating disorder feels, listen to Sara Bareilles ‘Gravity’ on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_U6iSAn_fY

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But then I have those beautiful moments. Those moments when I see my broad beans poking up their heads from the soil. When the first blossoms flower on the trees. When I feel the sun on my face. When I’ve cooked a dish I’m proud of. When my dog bounds up to me in the snow. When my sister or brother crack a joke that makes me laugh until my sides hurt.

Eating disorders are like all addictions – they take a very strong hold of you, but they don’t really own you. Despite how you feel, you can always come back. There is always something to come back to.

Everyone: if you know someone who is struggling from an eating disorder, give them a hug and tell them that they are not alone despite what they think, and that you love them. Sometimes that’s all anyone needs to hear to chase a daemon away. Stay safe, stay strong, stay happy.

I’m writing another book, this one is for everyone, to teach us all how to find sunshine in our lives.

If you need some help from an eating disorder, here is my self-published book, available on Amazon: My new book: A Growing Mind: the small book of gardening for eating disorders

My new book: A Growing Mind: the small book of gardening for eating disorders

Ok… so this is the explanation to why I was absent for a while this year.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Growing-Mind-gardening-eating-disorders/dp/1976388740/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1506408661&sr=8-3&keywords=isobel+murphy

I was in hospital for weight recovery for anorexia that I had been hosting for the last few years. I had hit what I call, rock bottom, and was more than desperate to end this nightmare. I saw my doctor and old psychiatrist from 2013 and was sent to hospital.

I went to three different hospitals during that time and learnt different things from each of them. Some experiences were awful and scarring, others made me the person I am right at this moment, a bit of a better person, hopefully.

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Eating disorders are odd problems. When I was younger, I was taught that an eating disorder was someone who wanted to be thin so much that they starved themselves. I remember thinking ‘that’s vain’. I never ever considered that I would have one. I didn’t know that it could become an obsession, almost a religion, that it involved punishing yourself, feeling so guilty you want to rip your insides out, a way of distracting yourself from the rest of the world you don’t understand, a way of blocking out other pain because living in your head and body trumps all other external suffering.

It is very hard for people who have not had an eating disorder, or had to live with someone close with one, to actually be able to understand how difficult life can be with this illness.

I realised while I was in hospital that funnily enough, gardening had prepared me for the struggles I had ahead. It might sound odd, but it is true. I have explained it in more detail in the very short book.

My hope is that whoever is struggling with and eating disorder will read this book and will get something out of it. It might cure you, it might not, it might be somewhere in the middle. But when we have these illnesses, isn’t it great to try anything to see if it helps, just a little? I think any ease in the internal and physical pain is a relief once you actually have it.

Let me tell you, I was terrified of recovery. I still have ups and downs, but the difference is that the downs don’t destroy me anymore, I can still eat and not over-exercises and keep sane. It is always better once you are there. The climb of the mountain is rough, but the view is exquisite.

This book tackles other issues that come with the package with eating disorders but might be good for anyone else struggling with depression, control issues, anxiety, being sociable, insomnia or sleep issues, and people who just need to feel calm.

If you know anyone who this book might help, please offer it to them. I really want it to help someone like it helped me.

Here is the link again to the book on Amazon (I self-published it so made it as cheap as I could) :

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Growing-Mind-gardening-eating-disorders/dp/1976388740/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1506321159&sr=8-6&keywords=isobel+murphy

Keep yourselves well. Lots of love.