Eating Disorder Awareness Week: The Truth Of It All

I considered writing a post about eating disorders to mark ED awareness week, despite this being a kitchen garden blog, simply because it has been exactly one year since I went to hospital myself.

I considered writing about how hard any eating disorder is, how different, how similar, how corrupting, how painful. I was going to list the physical problems, like the pain of sitting down on the toilet with not bottom for protection, and the mental problems, like the fear of guilt that makes you feel like you are going to explode. I had a long, long, long list written out, but then I realised: you don’t need me to tell you how bad any illness is. I’m not here to frighten anyone, I’m here to offer some light.

What you need to know is that

When you don’t have an eating disorder…

  • you feel happy.
  • you can breath again.
  • you feel warm.
  • you can eat proper meals.
  • you can sit down and watch a movie or read a book.
  • you can smile.
  • you can straighten up again.
  • you can hold a conversation with another human being.
  • you can exercise because you can, not because you have to or ‘want’ to, but because your body is well enough so you can, for fun!
  • is enjoying the little things in life you were ignoring.
  • is buying clothes from the adult section.
  • is being a truthful person no longer lying.
  • is being a good friend, daughter/son, sibling, partner.
  • is being able to join in with Christmas or Easter or birthdays.
  • is feeling alive.
  • is being able to say ‘sod you ED, I beat you!’


Many professionals have likened an eating disorder to someone with a broken arm or leg, that you have to give it time to heal. I’ve never quite seen that connection. TO me, the best way to describe an eating disorder is to compare it to an addiction – drugs, alcohol, even smoking. It is accepted that it is really hard to break these addictions, but there is an awful lot of secrecy and words not said. Broken body parts are acceptable to talk about, to be on display. Eating disorders are there to be hidden, to be shameful, embarrassing, a secret. No one goes round advocating that they have one, everyone else goes around staring and whispering, being frightened of this unknown, well, thing. But back to likening ED to addictions: Most of the time it involves intervention, extreme therapy and abstaining from the substance forever. Well, an eating disorder is like these addictions, but the thing we are addicted to is not an external object, but inside us. We become addicted to the feelings we get when we restrict/overeat/purge/exercise and it becomes our safety net. As the world becomes more terrifying, that bond gets stronger. It is so hard to change someone’s mind. For some reason, the pain you get from an eating disorder seems better than the pain you feel when you go against it, then you are stuck in a cycle and it is so hard to break.

Life is hard. I’m sitting here, a year on, and my meal plan has been slightly increased again – not because I’ve lost weight, but because I’m still a couple of kg under what would be the healthiest weight for me to maintain to be safe from anything that might cause me to lose weight in the future. Even now, I have to keep a strict eye on myself at all times.

I still have bad days. Some VERY bad days where everything hurts so much. I sometimes would not get up if it was not to feed my cat and the idea that I could garden or practice yoga, the three things in the world that make me feel at ease and give my life meaning at this point in time.

I am recovered, but I still have an eating disorder – my way of looking at the world is different to everybody else’s. I can’t afford to skip a meal otherwise it means I’m ‘ill’ again. I can’t eat at random times, I have a strict timetable to keep to. I can’t join in with random exercises otherwise hyper-gymnasia takes hold. My whole day is about staying in control and not losing my hold of the steering wheel – because once we are off course, it is hard to get back. Life feels very hard sometimes. If anyone wants to know how an addictive eating disorder feels, listen to Sara Bareilles ‘Gravity’ on YouTube.


But then I have those beautiful moments. Those moments when I see my broad beans poking up their heads from the soil. When the first blossoms flower on the trees. When I feel the sun on my face. When I’ve cooked a dish I’m proud of. When my dog bounds up to me in the snow. When my sister or brother crack a joke that makes me laugh until my sides hurt.

Eating disorders are like all addictions – they take a very strong hold of you, but they don’t really own you. Despite how you feel, you can always come back. There is always something to come back to.

Everyone: if you know someone who is struggling from an eating disorder, give them a hug and tell them that they are not alone despite what they think, and that you love them. Sometimes that’s all anyone needs to hear to chase a daemon away. Stay safe, stay strong, stay happy.

I’m writing another book, this one is for everyone, to teach us all how to find sunshine in our lives.

If you need some help from an eating disorder, here is my self-published book, available on Amazon: My new book: A Growing Mind: the small book of gardening for eating disorders

Moving Compost


We’ve actually got around to ‘turning’ a compost heap over.

That is quite and achievement here. We often fill compost heaps so high that we can’t possibly turn them over without creating a collapse similar if Everest gave way.

But we did it, in two hours in the rain. We kind of had to do it because, well, I needed more space for the onions and garlic. I’ve planted somewhere around 250 onions… we were given quite a few but it was good seeing as the cats have already dug some up…

But yes – back to composting – why do we ‘turn’ compost over? Why do we compost in the first place? Why not chuck it in one of those bins?

For shame.

Right, compost: organic matter that has been decomposed and recycled as fertiliser and soil amendment. Compost is the KEY ingredient to organic farming. Despite the slug pellets, that is what we aim to do.

Have you ever read The Running Hare by John Lewis-Stemple? Do, its great.

You make your compost out of basically anything in the garden – that can be cut grass, leaves, old plants, some people choose not to include their weeds but I do because I like dumping them somewhere and feeling like I am recycling. You can also put your food waste in it. This might attract rodents, of course, but what about your tea bags, banana peels, veg scrapings? Those are all really good to rot down and so not worth giving to the bin man. You can put cardboard and paper on too – covering the heap with cardboard is a good way of helping it to rot down.

But why should I compost?

  1. Saves money – do you know how expensive compost is?
  2. Saves resources and reduces negative impacts on the environment by avoiding chemical fertilisers.
  3. Improves soil – it feeds it with a diversity of nutrients, improves soil drainage and increases soil stability.

Compost takes time. It can look messy. But it is so worth it for a gardner. It is an investment.

So, if you don’t know already, ‘turning over’ the compost bed is aerating it. It gives it a flush of oxygen that encourages the bacteria breaking it down not to remain sluggish. It therefore speeds up the process, sometimes by weeks.

To aerate your compost, fork or shovel the compost into a newly set up enclosure next door to it. It is that simple. If your pile isn’t as big as a mountain.

Autumn planting … and a recipe!

Uni has certainly eaten up a lot of gardening time, plus the clocks changing and the day hours been practically non-existent. So it was late, but we have finally done some autumn planting.

Last week I sowed broad beans ‘Claudia’, peas ‘Meteor’ and got going on the onion sets.

(Here are my posts all about broad beans and peas: Broad Beans and Peas)

We bought 3 sets, then two lots of neighbours gave us more to plant, one being very generous with garlic as well! We are basically going to be growing an acre of onions next year… if I get them all in.

The varieties of onions planted so far are Senshyu, a golden coloured variety, and Electric, red coloured.

If they all grow, we’ll have a lot of onions but fortunately, onions are one of those vegetables that appear in soooooo many recipes that everyone will always find a way to use them. They are essential base ingredients. They are in stews, stocks, curries, casseroles, pizza, raw in salads, moussaka, raw with burgers, fried with sausages, bolognese, quiche, stir fry, soups… but here is a new recipe for onions to get you in the bulbing spirit.


Pasta with Fried Onion and Tomato Salad

(Serves 4)

-About 400g tagliatelle pasta -2 onions -Olive oil, for frying -8 handfuls of spinach -16 cherry tomatoes

  1. Bring a large pan of water to the boil. Add the tagliatelle pasta and cook for about ten minutes, or until cooked through. Drain and set to one side.
  2. Peel and cut the onions in half before slicing thinly. Put them in a frying pan with some olive oil and fry until soft and golden. Remove from heat.
  3. Cut the cherry tomatoes in half. Put the pasta on each person’s plate and mix in 4 tomatoes worth of the halves and two handfuls of spinach, per person. Divide the fried onions evenly and mix in too. Serve.



My new book: A Growing Mind: the small book of gardening for eating disorders

Ok… so this is the explanation to why I was absent for a while this year.

I was in hospital for weight recovery for anorexia that I had been hosting for the last few years. I had hit what I call, rock bottom, and was more than desperate to end this nightmare. I saw my doctor and old psychiatrist from 2013 and was sent to hospital.

I went to three different hospitals during that time and learnt different things from each of them. Some experiences were awful and scarring, others made me the person I am right at this moment, a bit of a better person, hopefully.


Eating disorders are odd problems. When I was younger, I was taught that an eating disorder was someone who wanted to be thin so much that they starved themselves. I remember thinking ‘that’s vain’. I never ever considered that I would have one. I didn’t know that it could become an obsession, almost a religion, that it involved punishing yourself, feeling so guilty you want to rip your insides out, a way of distracting yourself from the rest of the world you don’t understand, a way of blocking out other pain because living in your head and body trumps all other external suffering.

It is very hard for people who have not had an eating disorder, or had to live with someone close with one, to actually be able to understand how difficult life can be with this illness.

I realised while I was in hospital that funnily enough, gardening had prepared me for the struggles I had ahead. It might sound odd, but it is true. I have explained it in more detail in the very short book.

My hope is that whoever is struggling with and eating disorder will read this book and will get something out of it. It might cure you, it might not, it might be somewhere in the middle. But when we have these illnesses, isn’t it great to try anything to see if it helps, just a little? I think any ease in the internal and physical pain is a relief once you actually have it.

Let me tell you, I was terrified of recovery. I still have ups and downs, but the difference is that the downs don’t destroy me anymore, I can still eat and not over-exercises and keep sane. It is always better once you are there. The climb of the mountain is rough, but the view is exquisite.

This book tackles other issues that come with the package with eating disorders but might be good for anyone else struggling with depression, control issues, anxiety, being sociable, insomnia or sleep issues, and people who just need to feel calm.

If you know anyone who this book might help, please offer it to them. I really want it to help someone like it helped me.

Here is the link again to the book on Amazon (I self-published it so made it as cheap as I could) :

Keep yourselves well. Lots of love.

Today’s pickings


Today’s pickings – runner beans, courgette, blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, boysenberries, wineberries, giant baking sized potatoes and windfall apples for the pigs!


Had to share them because  they were all so damn beautiful.


And the most beautiful sight of all? Snoopy the beagle curled up in the horticultural fleece. She didn’t want to leave the garden and go inside for dinner too 😦

But she got over it when mum started making pie…




Hello blogging world!

I am sorry I’ve been absent for so long – over three months now.

A lot has happened to me during that time and basically I am a changed person, hopefully for the better! I might be able to elaborate on that at a later date with perhaps self-publishing a new book… ??

For now though, I am back to my garden. It is out of control and very little growing, except fruit, and today I did just eat my first broad beans and runner beans of the year!

More posts will hopefully be happening now.

Best wishes and hope everyone is well.


April sowing list

You can still sow most of the vegetables I have mentioned in previous months (e.g. radishes, spinach, lettuce, courgettes, spring onions…) but here are some new ones that you have to wait until April for:

Runner-Beans – Firestorm, St George, Borlotti, Cobra, Wisley Magic, Desiree, Moonlight

French Beans – Monte Cristo, Cobra, Maxi, Dulcina, Speedy, Delinel

Squashes – Butternut squash (try Hawk), Honey Bear, Sunburst

Soya Beans – Elenor

Crystal Apple Cucumbers 


Sweetcorn – Swift (These could have been started indoors last month, I still have yet to sow mine…)


Parsnips – Gladiator



Jerusalem Artichokes 

Globe Artichokes 

Look at my other previous monthly posts for more ideas of what seeds to sow!